A little encouragment

This was not just encouragement for me, but I think it will be for you too.

Here the Prophet Samuel goes to seek for whom God would have anointed, who should be exalted.

Prayerfully read this too.

"When the sacrifice was ended, and before partaking of the offering feast, Samuel began his prophetic inspection of the noble-appearing sons of Jesse. Eliab was the eldest, and more nearly resembled Saul for stature and beauty than the others. His comely features and finely developed form attracted the attention of the prophet. As Samuel looked upon his princely bearing, he thought, “This is indeed the man whom God has chosen as successor to Saul,” and he waited for the divine sanction that he might anoint him. But Jehovah did not look upon the outward appearance. Eliab did not fear the Lord. Had he been called to the throne, he would have been a proud, exacting ruler. The Lord’s word to Samuel was, “Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.” No outward beauty can recommend the soul to God. The wisdom and excellence revealed in the character and deportment, express the true beauty of the man; and it is the inner worth, the excellency of the heart, that determines our acceptance with the Lord of hosts. How deeply should we feel this truth in the judgment of ourselves and others. We may learn from the mistake of Samuel how vain is the estimation that rests on beauty of face or nobility of stature. We may see how incapable is man’s wisdom of understanding the secrets of the heart or of comprehending the counsels of God without special enlightenment from heaven. The thoughts and ways of God in relation to His creatures are above our finite minds; but we may be assured that His children will be brought to fill the very place for which they are qualified, and will be enabled to accomplish the very work committed to their hands, if they will but submit their will to God, that His beneficent plans may not be frustrated by the perversity of man."

 Even Samuel judged by looks.

God doesn't care about the "beauty of face" or "stature". This stuck out to me because I am guilty of being attracted to outward appearance.

But the Lord has been giving me a new heart. And I strive to look at what God looks at. The Heart.

If you are discouraged, its because of your "finite mind".

Be assured, As a child of his, you will be brought to be where you are qualified, and if you think you cannot do a work you are currently committed to, be also assured you will be enabled to accomplish it.

With the tool of submission, we can accomplish what we feel we can't do or don't want to do.

A little heat

Among many many many other things troubling me this year, one I am hoping to get somewhat resolved is money.

I have had debt looming over me, my car, the military payment for my bonus, school.

A little update on my situation.

I have been hoping I would be able to sort thing out a little with money for the school by canvassing.

But it didnt happen and I made far less money than I was ment to for the summer and I am practically the most in debt person to the school. Got to be first in something I suppose.

On top of that I have to pay back my military bonus, They gave me about 7K but so i thought I would have to pay that back.

Then I have my car payment, with insurence.

And I don't really have a Job....

Why am I here?

Most people are pretty skeptical of my sanity for volunarily putting myself in this position.

Rarely do I do anything with money without prospecting every option. But here I am, subject to debt.

Why? Because God

I am follow the plan the best I know it, God has called me to this school, provided for me thus far and brought me back here though circumstances were far from favorable for my return...

So after discussing my situation with some people, I have stepped out in faith.

Here is my situation...

To get my car payment from wasting away at my money, I used my military bonus to pay it off. Now I am waiting for the title because I need that for the next part, which is selling the car.

The thing is, I plan to use the money from my car to pay off the military and the school.

The school is willing to work with me to get the money in a reasonable time, giving me room. But the military, not so much.

If they want the money back, they don't work off my schedule.

Thing is, right now, I have no money for them. If they ask for it, I am toast...

So, this is where God comes in, doing for me what I can't seem to do for myself.

Am I not seeking righteousness and the kingdom of God? I am, so I do claim the promise. All things will be ADDED unto me.

God will do uphold his end. But Pray, pray for me, Ive failed enough on behalf of my covenants with God to know that I have high probablity to be unfaithful if he doesnt give me assisstance.

Claim promises for me.

I look forward to what God will work, his will be done. Amen

Duluth 2014

Had a ton of interesting experiences this past program.

Wish I had pictures of everything, but this is what I have on my phone.

Ill post more if I get some. A few other people have some that were there.

 The trip to Duluth, pretty sunrise out the window.

 First day canvassing, got stung by a wasp right above my eye.... Hurt a lot, still canvassed a guy and he got a GC.

 Went to the rose gardens in downtown Duluth. Beautiful lake superior. We spent Sabbath afternoon there.

 Railroad tracks are cool, good for pics.

 Part of the crew. Steven is the middle guy, I like how he wore his Vibram 5 fingers everywhere, Im glad I just bought some 5 fingers too.... Im curious to how some people will react to my new footwear.

 We skipped rocks, Eugene delightfully threw massive rocks trying to get them to skip.

 Some spiffy graffiti, that tunnel in the back goes through the mountains straight for three miles, Steven and another church member James went all the way through... I really want to try that too.

 After closing Sabbath we got some awesome vegan pizza.... I could eat myself into a coma with this stuff.

 First full canvassing week I went into a walgreens and came out and there was a car wreck right outside the door. Ended up in an amazing divine appointment afterwards.

 Friday and Sabbath we went to Aminicon falls in Wisconsin. I recommended it because I had been here before since I been in this area a bit when I was younger. Its water looks like root beer.

 We got a little late start. But had a pretty sunset starting.

 Sarah and Amanda and I became better friends this program. They are much more entertaining to watch than I expected. Especially when they slip and fall into the water.

 My favorite falls... Mostly cause the name.

 Random pic, but I like how it turned out.

 On Sabbath we went back.... But I had sort of like a panic attack trying to get everyone to get there, a flurry of frustrating circumstances spurred me to run off by myself into the forest.

 I ran and ran as far as the trail would go until I let out all my anxiety and pent up frustration.

 I ended up all alone, in with this beautiful scenery and me. It was so so so peaceful, I'm thankful God made such soothing nature for us in time like this.

 The next Friday we visited another falls at Lester park, This was a lot of fun.

 We ran around a lot, I constantly had to back track to wait for the group.

 Had some great views.

 I was so far ahead I ran and crossed the river to take a picture of them.

 Majestic walkway.... I wanted a huge old castle to be at the top. But it was just apartments... Maybe one day ill go and build one at the top just so others aren't disappointed.

Ended out walk with a goofy picture. Took us a couple tries to get no cars passing by in the picture.

 after our walk we went to the mall, Had to take a picture of this super true statement.

 After we had awesome noodles at the mall it was off the Enger tower, which is the highest point in the city, you could see the entire bay and beyond.

 Near the tower was an awesome Japanese garden... I freaked out, I loved it so much...

 Obviously I rang the bell... a few times.

 last sunday of the program... Biggest house Ive canvassed. the got a Christ Object Lessons and let me inside. :D

 Last day, canvassed a Shriners club (part of freemasons). Nicest lady ever worked here. I  love these places, the secretary was already reading the Great Controversy and said she really enjoyed it too, and decided to get a Desire of Ages to help at her womans Bible study she leads.

On our way home we stayed the night at David Pano's parents motel... They had a bed the would vibrate.... Me and Brody took full advantage and had a fun time just laying there.


Great trip. Fun times. Helped souls. Praise God.

Mumbles

"My names Tina, but people call me Mumbles"

That was the first words I heard as I looked into the face of someone I had assumed was a young guy down the street.

But it was a girl, she looks like and dresses like a teenage boy, rides around on a bmx bike, her pants sag,  she has on a big baggy shirt, a snapback cap which covers her shaved head, and all over you can see tattoos and piercings. She has some tattoos on her fingers, some behind her ear, on her neck, all over, and piercings and marks of piercings all over.

She proceed to look at my books and makes crude jokes about pictures and proceeds to let me know she is a lesbian. Then she asks me what I am doing around this area I tell her how I'm a student, and raising money for school.

She has deep eyes. You can tell her life isn't a easy one, she has burdens. Still weighing on her as we spoke.

Nonetheless she tells me she wants to help. She speaks in ghetto language, making sure to skip the niceties and roughly tells me what she is thinking.

After affirming she wants to help she pulls out a lottery ticket and tells me to meet her down at the gas station, she wants to go cash it and give me a few dollars.

So she takes off and I meet her down there since she is much faster than me on her bike. I canvass a guy outside the gas station and she comes out, then the person I was talking to, who was being really aloof, started making jokes with her.

Turns out she knows everyone, and she has an idea to help.

She decides to bring me down to a couple of bars, of which i know have both already been canvassed. I go with her down a couple of blocks.

Along the way we talk, and I learn she has three kids. She lives with another woman who helps her and they are currently fighting, somewhat about the kids.

She also decided to tell me a funny story, not so funny to me, of how she used to live in LA and she got bit by a shark. She even showed me the massive scar on her side. (it looked like it bit off half of her almost.)

She told me she punched that shark in the face and cussed it out. She apparently really didn't appreciate the attack. She said she felt bad about the kids on the beach that had to see her yelling and bleeding everywhere.

We got to the bars through a few alleys. We went into the first bar, we soon found out they already got a book, and no one in there would give a donation. Mumbles tried hard to explain what I was doing, going ahead of me to each person and asking them to help me and look at the books. She was very sweet actually, you could tell she got a little discouraged after the guys at the bar wouldn't listen.

She changed out some of her cash and exclaimed to everyone there very abruptly.

" if ain't none of you gonna give, **** Im gonna give to help"

She gave me a dollar as we walked out.

She tried to act like everything was OK, but it wasn't.

We walked outside and I gave her a Happiness. She looked at me very thankfully, she wanted to read it with her partner.

But she wasn't done yet with me, she still wanted to do the other bar. On the way a guy was in his car leaving the lot. She walked up to his window and kind knocked onto it, he waved her off, she went right around in front of the guys car gave him a look and he gave her a look.

He wouldn't roll down the window, she then threw her bike on the ground and started cussing at the guy and said she would fight him.
She proceeded charge his car but I grabbed her and told her she shouldn't do that.

She cooled down and the guy drove off, it turns out she didn't like that guy from previous stuff before. So thankfully it wasn't because of me which crossed my mind.

At the next bar it was really crowded, guys going all around, smoke and bad air pressing on me as soon as we entered.

She brings to the owner and introduces me a little, though again she lives up to her name and mumbles out everything she wants to say. He asks me a couple questions about the project and gets a book.

Wow.

Then she brings me through the crowd telling everyone in proximity about me, the bar tender stops by and asks about the book, and says he wants one too, he pulls some money too.

Its lunchtime, I ask her if there is anyone who wants spiritual books.

"People don't like to hear much about that stuff" she says quietly.

I tell her that thank you, and that I appreciated her help and I pulled out health and peace (ministry of healing) and tell her I want her to have it. Is show her some of the chapters and what its about and I look up at her and she looked at me and said

"Man, you got me all cryin and stuff... thank you"

She gave me a hug and thanked me and hugged me again.

I talked a little more with her and left, she signed up for bible studies too.

That is an experience I won't forget. Mumbles made a deep impression on me, but its much more amazing too, I know in my heart God wanted to meet her and just show her some Love.

I won't forget her, I pray now though I will meet her again. Not here on this earth, somewhere better, so I can see her eyes again, but this time filled with joy peace and not sorrow and suffering.

Going back

To me it is interesting I mention stuff from the past, because I'm about to get a blast from the past sort of deal.

What I mean is, for canvassing, or literature evangelism, I am going to Duluth MN. What is so significant about that you may ask?

Well Ive been there before, plenty of times. And Im nervous in a way because there is a high chance I will be seeing my step-fathers side of the family who live there. It has been almost 5 years since I have been there, and last time I was there all I did was play video games, not because other people wanted to, but because I did.

I have never been attached much to family, distant or close. I never get homesick (except for at basic training) and I don't really talk to my family out side of obligatory circumstances. And its not because I don't want to talk to them, I simply don't think about it. Nor do I set aside any time to think about it. With my mind, I really have to have something consistently in front of me for me to remember it. I have an interesting memory that does me more harm than good, I think. Though I may just only remember the harm, but anyways.

I am nervous, I don't feel like I know them, and my lifestyle is completely different than last time they met me, praise God for that. At the very least, keep our Duluth team in prayer as we bring the gospel, and if God wills I witness to my family, I pray he gives me wisdom.

On a side note, I am kinda happy to go back to see the places where I have cherished memories. Though simple, and blissful.

My dad would drive us up there 6 hours every 4th of July. We would go see the parade and get candy, and I remember how I would eat so much of it as soon as I could. I don't know how Im not dead. My cousin Danielle would sell soda or "pop" :) way over priced since it was typically very hot, and they lived right off the main street.

The town, at least where my family lived was pretty poor, much of it was super condensed neighborhoods, where you could see right in other peoples windows. I do not like that.

Hopefully when I get a house I wont even see my neighbors fence. I kinda really like my space. And I don't know how I am supposed to have a creek on my property if I live in such a crowded area. My dream home has always been more about the land than the house itself. I want a place where I will be spending more time outside than inside.

I digress. I really know that people in that town need to know the Lord, but as of right now I am not sure if Im up to it. But God will give me strength to fight in the north again.

People aren't as friendly, they don't go to church much. In general they are starved of spiritual things but settled on the mindset that they just have to have a life of emptiness, with vain fulfillments.

There is more.

Much more.

And I wan't, at the very least to help them see that.

Hearts bound up

An interesting thing happens when you go out and meet people doing evangelism. You go out, you run into people, you connect then something gives you a yearning desire to see this person happy.

No matter who I meet doing this, they always have at least a tinge of sorrow pervading their speech. 

Such is a family Ive just met

Joan is the person Ive been meeting with for the past couple of Sabbaths after church. We were distributing literature and I came to a house in which I met her son Damon, probably around 40 or so. We connected and I shared with him a few spiritual things and he relayed to me his distrust of the validity of scripture, but he is a Christian. 

The following Sabbath after I met him, I went back to his house to give him some more focused literature about the Bible. But he wasn't there, who was was his mother Joan who lives with him. She is a wonderful lady, she invited me and my friend Ashley in and sat us down and talked with us for 3 hours straight. She happens to be born and raised in Jamaica, though caucasian. She Has also a lot of burdens on her heart, as one of her sons, Damons older brother had already died when he was 32 and her husband passed around 4 years ago.

When she talks about her son and her husband she talks as if they are still alive. Referencing to how they would like things and such. She blames herself for her husbands death. She thinks she might've prevented it, though he died in surgery and from her telling of the story and it seems to clearly be the doctors fault. But nonetheless it plagues her with nightmares and such. She still finds hope somewhere though, I can't quite find out how. She also, like her son, claims Christianity but doesnt seem to put much stock in its validity either. 

That first day we talked with her I also got to meet with her 20yo granddaughter, Brianna. She is a very distinct individual, contrastly composed to that of her very proper grandmother. Though nice, Brianna has a aura that makes me want to get to know her, I see a lot of my old self in her. She is an artist, deep in the underground, late night, online communities. She puts up speed drawings of her often dark, or gloomy emotionalized paintings. She dresses like someone I wouldve been good friends with before Ouachita Hills, she has a couple piercings, one in her nose. Along with that, hair that has been many colors Im sure, and tattoos of many varieties. But she is perky and smily when I talk to her, but I can still sense that longing for the Love that only comes from above.

I gave them more materials yesterday, and talked a couple more hours with Joan, still not seeing Damon since he shops all day Saturday. I look forward to seeing what God will use me for in this, he has given me a desire to see them living in peace and fulfillment. I know God has changed me, and I want them to experience his love as well.

Ashes of the Past

As my first post i wanted to lay some foundation on what this blog is about.

I endeavor for this to be an opportunity to share my present and past life experiences, to record how God was and is leading in my life, whether I realized it or not.

To start off I wanted to share background information. A bit of my testimony if you will. Where Im from and how I got where I am. 

Where I am at now though, is a School called Ouachita Hills College, at this school many people become detached from their pasts and start anew with Christ, as I have. So many people in my life currently do not know much about my walk with God prior to coming here. That it was I want to share in some if these posts and hopefully I can give a rough overview to start.

To begin.

I was born in California, lived in Colorado for a year while I was 5, then was primarily raised in Wisconsin and Arkansas. I have been going to church basically my entire life and have a faint memory of my first realization of the spiritual world when I was in Colorado, when I was five. At least thats where I feel it was, but there is a good possibility it was a little later when I was in Wisconsin.

Though an Adventist now, I have only been accepted in by profession of faith. I was baptized, twice. Once in the First Assembly of God in Janesville, Wisconsin and again in Arkansas at Family Church Bryant. Though I had attended church my whole life I DID NOT go for any spiritual reasons. My friends where there, and I had fun sometimes, so I tolerated the services and primarily would be expectant of the play times, whether it was video games before and after service or maybe sports we played. 

I played a lot of games, inside and out of church. From a young age, my dad (step-father) got my hooked on video gaming. I have pictures from when I was 3 or 4, and I was playing games on my dads big PC. I guess I was semi-normal, I did not socialize much though outside of my circles. Even as a kid I remember keeping mostly to myself, except when I found a cool picture or something in a book during reading time and I would get in trouble because I couldn't help but share it with my desk neighbors.

I don't feel like I was a unruly kid, but I don't remember ever getting any commendations or awards in school. Not ever. Not even like a ribbon or one of those prizes you get for just trying. I never have liked trying things I don't feel confident I can dominate them. But I do remember getting in trouble, specifically I remember Mrs. Settle, my 4th grade home room teacher. My memories of those days of recess detention were like torture. Just sitting completely still, and quiet, having to peer out the window everyday at my classmates having fun outside. I even remember why, I didn't get my mother to sign a notebook thing I had. Needless to say, I would forget, a lot. Either to do homework or give my parents papers, or get chores done. Because just like at church, I had a priority that was number one....

Video Games

Thinking back, video games are the most predominant time consumer of life. It may seem childish, but the video game or geek culture was my entire existence, even at church and school, my criteria for finding a good friendship included, at the top of the list, "plays video games." Even when I would try to get a girlfriend, if she didn't play video games I knew we would have issues. And if a girl or guy didn't play games but I wanted to spend more time with them. Guess what? I was going to get them into games. When it comes to gaming, don't be a fool. There is ALWAYS a game for you to get sucked into, no matter who you are. Modern media and mobile phones prove that. But i had realized this even as a kid and used it to absorb friends into my lifestyle.

Though many other things happened in my life, I talking about games because its the primary factor in my past experiences. I was very lazy, ate unhealthfully but never got fat. Even when I was about 10 years old I can remember playing a Real Time Strategy game for often 6 hours straight, sometimes even more. If i put my mind to it I even would do over 12 hours of gaming in a day. This was before I even got online gaming. That is where it really started consuming me.

Online Gaming

I had a Nintendo 64, but we all know that was not online. After that I got an Xbox, and soon enough I had Xbox live. Thats where it happened, before I knew it, my basement couch became the first place I would go after school, and the place my parents would find me when the would tell me to go to sleep. Before I knew it, my friends, my life goals, my aspirations and cherished experiences where all online...

Please bear with me if this seems infantile to you. To me and those still in the culture, it is our meaning for living. We can get fulfillment socially, and find meaning for life, fantasy becomes reality and in these virtual worlds you can be who ever you want. I sought glory, and prided myself in my gaming skill. I had found satisfaction in destroying my opponents, by large margins of gaming score, I hated losing, and would often play games solo so I wouldn't have to depend on a team because they would frustrate me and drag me down. I pushed, and practiced, trained, watch videos on tips and how to improve my skills, and followed gaming professionals, even played with some famous gamers. I would go to gaming parties my church would host and would happily squash other gamers who thought they would beat me, and I would love toying with them in these virtual environments because I devoted my life to being better than everyone else I knew. I continued to play like this all the way till I was 20 years old.

Honestly, throughout my gaming "career" I can guarantee I have broken the 10,000 hour rule and mastered first person shooter gaming. I have literally wasted solid months, possibly years on pure virtual experiences. My eyes have honestly looked at a screen more than any other thing. 

There is a interesting poison that comes with the online world, social media and such included. No matter how much you consume, no matter how amazing my game scores where, no matter what famous teams I would beat or how I could dominate a gaming arena, I always needed more.

I became deadened to the world, along with the gaming lifestyle came other things, like unhealthy food, energy drinks, being generally lazy and dismissive of all real life obligations, and craving the newest tech, newest games. 

I wish I could tell you that my days and days of gaming payed off, and I found happiness that lasted. That my hours where not wasted, that my devotion to my gaming desire payed off and I became fulfilled in my endeavors. But I think we all know deep down, this world and its flammable attainments cannot fulfill the longings of our hearts.

Life Now

Im thankful that God has brought me where I am now. And he has drawn the poison out of me and injected me with new life, a life of fulfillment. I no longer neglect and hurt those around me, even those I wanted to love. I am aiming to deny self and give for others, a aspect you will never learn from any game, but its the true binding force of the universe.

 Love, you will never find it, no matter how hard you look, no matter what the emotions are, no matter how a pleasure may make you feel, Love is divinely derived by communion with God only, but freely given, not to be kept but to be passed on.