Going back

To me it is interesting I mention stuff from the past, because I'm about to get a blast from the past sort of deal.

What I mean is, for canvassing, or literature evangelism, I am going to Duluth MN. What is so significant about that you may ask?

Well Ive been there before, plenty of times. And Im nervous in a way because there is a high chance I will be seeing my step-fathers side of the family who live there. It has been almost 5 years since I have been there, and last time I was there all I did was play video games, not because other people wanted to, but because I did.

I have never been attached much to family, distant or close. I never get homesick (except for at basic training) and I don't really talk to my family out side of obligatory circumstances. And its not because I don't want to talk to them, I simply don't think about it. Nor do I set aside any time to think about it. With my mind, I really have to have something consistently in front of me for me to remember it. I have an interesting memory that does me more harm than good, I think. Though I may just only remember the harm, but anyways.

I am nervous, I don't feel like I know them, and my lifestyle is completely different than last time they met me, praise God for that. At the very least, keep our Duluth team in prayer as we bring the gospel, and if God wills I witness to my family, I pray he gives me wisdom.

On a side note, I am kinda happy to go back to see the places where I have cherished memories. Though simple, and blissful.

My dad would drive us up there 6 hours every 4th of July. We would go see the parade and get candy, and I remember how I would eat so much of it as soon as I could. I don't know how Im not dead. My cousin Danielle would sell soda or "pop" :) way over priced since it was typically very hot, and they lived right off the main street.

The town, at least where my family lived was pretty poor, much of it was super condensed neighborhoods, where you could see right in other peoples windows. I do not like that.

Hopefully when I get a house I wont even see my neighbors fence. I kinda really like my space. And I don't know how I am supposed to have a creek on my property if I live in such a crowded area. My dream home has always been more about the land than the house itself. I want a place where I will be spending more time outside than inside.

I digress. I really know that people in that town need to know the Lord, but as of right now I am not sure if Im up to it. But God will give me strength to fight in the north again.

People aren't as friendly, they don't go to church much. In general they are starved of spiritual things but settled on the mindset that they just have to have a life of emptiness, with vain fulfillments.

There is more.

Much more.

And I wan't, at the very least to help them see that.

Hearts bound up

An interesting thing happens when you go out and meet people doing evangelism. You go out, you run into people, you connect then something gives you a yearning desire to see this person happy.

No matter who I meet doing this, they always have at least a tinge of sorrow pervading their speech. 

Such is a family Ive just met

Joan is the person Ive been meeting with for the past couple of Sabbaths after church. We were distributing literature and I came to a house in which I met her son Damon, probably around 40 or so. We connected and I shared with him a few spiritual things and he relayed to me his distrust of the validity of scripture, but he is a Christian. 

The following Sabbath after I met him, I went back to his house to give him some more focused literature about the Bible. But he wasn't there, who was was his mother Joan who lives with him. She is a wonderful lady, she invited me and my friend Ashley in and sat us down and talked with us for 3 hours straight. She happens to be born and raised in Jamaica, though caucasian. She Has also a lot of burdens on her heart, as one of her sons, Damons older brother had already died when he was 32 and her husband passed around 4 years ago.

When she talks about her son and her husband she talks as if they are still alive. Referencing to how they would like things and such. She blames herself for her husbands death. She thinks she might've prevented it, though he died in surgery and from her telling of the story and it seems to clearly be the doctors fault. But nonetheless it plagues her with nightmares and such. She still finds hope somewhere though, I can't quite find out how. She also, like her son, claims Christianity but doesnt seem to put much stock in its validity either. 

That first day we talked with her I also got to meet with her 20yo granddaughter, Brianna. She is a very distinct individual, contrastly composed to that of her very proper grandmother. Though nice, Brianna has a aura that makes me want to get to know her, I see a lot of my old self in her. She is an artist, deep in the underground, late night, online communities. She puts up speed drawings of her often dark, or gloomy emotionalized paintings. She dresses like someone I wouldve been good friends with before Ouachita Hills, she has a couple piercings, one in her nose. Along with that, hair that has been many colors Im sure, and tattoos of many varieties. But she is perky and smily when I talk to her, but I can still sense that longing for the Love that only comes from above.

I gave them more materials yesterday, and talked a couple more hours with Joan, still not seeing Damon since he shops all day Saturday. I look forward to seeing what God will use me for in this, he has given me a desire to see them living in peace and fulfillment. I know God has changed me, and I want them to experience his love as well.

Ashes of the Past

As my first post i wanted to lay some foundation on what this blog is about.

I endeavor for this to be an opportunity to share my present and past life experiences, to record how God was and is leading in my life, whether I realized it or not.

To start off I wanted to share background information. A bit of my testimony if you will. Where Im from and how I got where I am. 

Where I am at now though, is a School called Ouachita Hills College, at this school many people become detached from their pasts and start anew with Christ, as I have. So many people in my life currently do not know much about my walk with God prior to coming here. That it was I want to share in some if these posts and hopefully I can give a rough overview to start.

To begin.

I was born in California, lived in Colorado for a year while I was 5, then was primarily raised in Wisconsin and Arkansas. I have been going to church basically my entire life and have a faint memory of my first realization of the spiritual world when I was in Colorado, when I was five. At least thats where I feel it was, but there is a good possibility it was a little later when I was in Wisconsin.

Though an Adventist now, I have only been accepted in by profession of faith. I was baptized, twice. Once in the First Assembly of God in Janesville, Wisconsin and again in Arkansas at Family Church Bryant. Though I had attended church my whole life I DID NOT go for any spiritual reasons. My friends where there, and I had fun sometimes, so I tolerated the services and primarily would be expectant of the play times, whether it was video games before and after service or maybe sports we played. 

I played a lot of games, inside and out of church. From a young age, my dad (step-father) got my hooked on video gaming. I have pictures from when I was 3 or 4, and I was playing games on my dads big PC. I guess I was semi-normal, I did not socialize much though outside of my circles. Even as a kid I remember keeping mostly to myself, except when I found a cool picture or something in a book during reading time and I would get in trouble because I couldn't help but share it with my desk neighbors.

I don't feel like I was a unruly kid, but I don't remember ever getting any commendations or awards in school. Not ever. Not even like a ribbon or one of those prizes you get for just trying. I never have liked trying things I don't feel confident I can dominate them. But I do remember getting in trouble, specifically I remember Mrs. Settle, my 4th grade home room teacher. My memories of those days of recess detention were like torture. Just sitting completely still, and quiet, having to peer out the window everyday at my classmates having fun outside. I even remember why, I didn't get my mother to sign a notebook thing I had. Needless to say, I would forget, a lot. Either to do homework or give my parents papers, or get chores done. Because just like at church, I had a priority that was number one....

Video Games

Thinking back, video games are the most predominant time consumer of life. It may seem childish, but the video game or geek culture was my entire existence, even at church and school, my criteria for finding a good friendship included, at the top of the list, "plays video games." Even when I would try to get a girlfriend, if she didn't play video games I knew we would have issues. And if a girl or guy didn't play games but I wanted to spend more time with them. Guess what? I was going to get them into games. When it comes to gaming, don't be a fool. There is ALWAYS a game for you to get sucked into, no matter who you are. Modern media and mobile phones prove that. But i had realized this even as a kid and used it to absorb friends into my lifestyle.

Though many other things happened in my life, I talking about games because its the primary factor in my past experiences. I was very lazy, ate unhealthfully but never got fat. Even when I was about 10 years old I can remember playing a Real Time Strategy game for often 6 hours straight, sometimes even more. If i put my mind to it I even would do over 12 hours of gaming in a day. This was before I even got online gaming. That is where it really started consuming me.

Online Gaming

I had a Nintendo 64, but we all know that was not online. After that I got an Xbox, and soon enough I had Xbox live. Thats where it happened, before I knew it, my basement couch became the first place I would go after school, and the place my parents would find me when the would tell me to go to sleep. Before I knew it, my friends, my life goals, my aspirations and cherished experiences where all online...

Please bear with me if this seems infantile to you. To me and those still in the culture, it is our meaning for living. We can get fulfillment socially, and find meaning for life, fantasy becomes reality and in these virtual worlds you can be who ever you want. I sought glory, and prided myself in my gaming skill. I had found satisfaction in destroying my opponents, by large margins of gaming score, I hated losing, and would often play games solo so I wouldn't have to depend on a team because they would frustrate me and drag me down. I pushed, and practiced, trained, watch videos on tips and how to improve my skills, and followed gaming professionals, even played with some famous gamers. I would go to gaming parties my church would host and would happily squash other gamers who thought they would beat me, and I would love toying with them in these virtual environments because I devoted my life to being better than everyone else I knew. I continued to play like this all the way till I was 20 years old.

Honestly, throughout my gaming "career" I can guarantee I have broken the 10,000 hour rule and mastered first person shooter gaming. I have literally wasted solid months, possibly years on pure virtual experiences. My eyes have honestly looked at a screen more than any other thing. 

There is a interesting poison that comes with the online world, social media and such included. No matter how much you consume, no matter how amazing my game scores where, no matter what famous teams I would beat or how I could dominate a gaming arena, I always needed more.

I became deadened to the world, along with the gaming lifestyle came other things, like unhealthy food, energy drinks, being generally lazy and dismissive of all real life obligations, and craving the newest tech, newest games. 

I wish I could tell you that my days and days of gaming payed off, and I found happiness that lasted. That my hours where not wasted, that my devotion to my gaming desire payed off and I became fulfilled in my endeavors. But I think we all know deep down, this world and its flammable attainments cannot fulfill the longings of our hearts.

Life Now

Im thankful that God has brought me where I am now. And he has drawn the poison out of me and injected me with new life, a life of fulfillment. I no longer neglect and hurt those around me, even those I wanted to love. I am aiming to deny self and give for others, a aspect you will never learn from any game, but its the true binding force of the universe.

 Love, you will never find it, no matter how hard you look, no matter what the emotions are, no matter how a pleasure may make you feel, Love is divinely derived by communion with God only, but freely given, not to be kept but to be passed on.