I endeavor for this to be an opportunity to share my present and past life experiences, to record how God was and is leading in my life, whether I realized it or not.
To start off I wanted to share background information. A bit of my testimony if you will. Where Im from and how I got where I am.
Where I am at now though, is a School called Ouachita Hills College, at this school many people become detached from their pasts and start anew with Christ, as I have. So many people in my life currently do not know much about my walk with God prior to coming here. That it was I want to share in some if these posts and hopefully I can give a rough overview to start.
To begin.
I was born in California, lived in Colorado for a year while I was 5, then was primarily raised in Wisconsin and Arkansas. I have been going to church basically my entire life and have a faint memory of my first realization of the spiritual world when I was in Colorado, when I was five. At least thats where I feel it was, but there is a good possibility it was a little later when I was in Wisconsin.
Though an Adventist now, I have only been accepted in by profession of faith. I was baptized, twice. Once in the First Assembly of God in Janesville, Wisconsin and again in Arkansas at Family Church Bryant. Though I had attended church my whole life I DID NOT go for any spiritual reasons. My friends where there, and I had fun sometimes, so I tolerated the services and primarily would be expectant of the play times, whether it was video games before and after service or maybe sports we played.
I played a lot of games, inside and out of church. From a young age, my dad (step-father) got my hooked on video gaming. I have pictures from when I was 3 or 4, and I was playing games on my dads big PC. I guess I was semi-normal, I did not socialize much though outside of my circles. Even as a kid I remember keeping mostly to myself, except when I found a cool picture or something in a book during reading time and I would get in trouble because I couldn't help but share it with my desk neighbors.
I don't feel like I was a unruly kid, but I don't remember ever getting any commendations or awards in school. Not ever. Not even like a ribbon or one of those prizes you get for just trying. I never have liked trying things I don't feel confident I can dominate them. But I do remember getting in trouble, specifically I remember Mrs. Settle, my 4th grade home room teacher. My memories of those days of recess detention were like torture. Just sitting completely still, and quiet, having to peer out the window everyday at my classmates having fun outside. I even remember why, I didn't get my mother to sign a notebook thing I had. Needless to say, I would forget, a lot. Either to do homework or give my parents papers, or get chores done. Because just like at church, I had a priority that was number one....
Video Games
Thinking back, video games are the most predominant time consumer of life. It may seem childish, but the video game or geek culture was my entire existence, even at church and school, my criteria for finding a good friendship included, at the top of the list, "plays video games." Even when I would try to get a girlfriend, if she didn't play video games I knew we would have issues. And if a girl or guy didn't play games but I wanted to spend more time with them. Guess what? I was going to get them into games. When it comes to gaming, don't be a fool. There is ALWAYS a game for you to get sucked into, no matter who you are. Modern media and mobile phones prove that. But i had realized this even as a kid and used it to absorb friends into my lifestyle.
Though many other things happened in my life, I talking about games because its the primary factor in my past experiences. I was very lazy, ate unhealthfully but never got fat. Even when I was about 10 years old I can remember playing a Real Time Strategy game for often 6 hours straight, sometimes even more. If i put my mind to it I even would do over 12 hours of gaming in a day. This was before I even got online gaming. That is where it really started consuming me.
Online Gaming
I had a Nintendo 64, but we all know that was not online. After that I got an Xbox, and soon enough I had Xbox live. Thats where it happened, before I knew it, my basement couch became the first place I would go after school, and the place my parents would find me when the would tell me to go to sleep. Before I knew it, my friends, my life goals, my aspirations and cherished experiences where all online...
Please bear with me if this seems infantile to you. To me and those still in the culture, it is our meaning for living. We can get fulfillment socially, and find meaning for life, fantasy becomes reality and in these virtual worlds you can be who ever you want. I sought glory, and prided myself in my gaming skill. I had found satisfaction in destroying my opponents, by large margins of gaming score, I hated losing, and would often play games solo so I wouldn't have to depend on a team because they would frustrate me and drag me down. I pushed, and practiced, trained, watch videos on tips and how to improve my skills, and followed gaming professionals, even played with some famous gamers. I would go to gaming parties my church would host and would happily squash other gamers who thought they would beat me, and I would love toying with them in these virtual environments because I devoted my life to being better than everyone else I knew. I continued to play like this all the way till I was 20 years old.
Honestly, throughout my gaming "career" I can guarantee I have broken the 10,000 hour rule and mastered first person shooter gaming. I have literally wasted solid months, possibly years on pure virtual experiences. My eyes have honestly looked at a screen more than any other thing.
There is a interesting poison that comes with the online world, social media and such included. No matter how much you consume, no matter how amazing my game scores where, no matter what famous teams I would beat or how I could dominate a gaming arena, I always needed more.
I became deadened to the world, along with the gaming lifestyle came other things, like unhealthy food, energy drinks, being generally lazy and dismissive of all real life obligations, and craving the newest tech, newest games.
I wish I could tell you that my days and days of gaming payed off, and I found happiness that lasted. That my hours where not wasted, that my devotion to my gaming desire payed off and I became fulfilled in my endeavors. But I think we all know deep down, this world and its flammable attainments cannot fulfill the longings of our hearts.
Life Now
Im thankful that God has brought me where I am now. And he has drawn the poison out of me and injected me with new life, a life of fulfillment. I no longer neglect and hurt those around me, even those I wanted to love. I am aiming to deny self and give for others, a aspect you will never learn from any game, but its the true binding force of the universe.
Love, you will never find it, no matter how hard you look, no matter what the emotions are, no matter how a pleasure may make you feel, Love is divinely derived by communion with God only, but freely given, not to be kept but to be passed on.
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